His Wooden Heart
by Miss Puppet
Summary: A backstory for Charles Carson in 32 drabbles. After he has his heart shattered, Charles Carson shields his heart carefully from further pain.


**His wooden heart  
><strong>_Rated_: K+  
><em>Pairings<em>: Carson/Hughes  
>Disclaimer: It could not be less mine. Julian Fellowes wrote Downton Abbey, which is produced by Carnival Films for ITV Network.<br>_Spoilers_: Nothing after season 1.  
><em>Summary<em>: A backstory for Charles Carson in 32 drabbles. After he has his heart shattered, Charles Carson shields his heart from further pain.  
><em>Genre<em>: general/romance

_A/N: This story is inspired by three things. Firstly it´s a response to the backstory challenge at lovebelowstairs. Secondly, last week or so there as a discussion on tumblr about Charles' backstory. Someone, and I'm ashamed to say I don't remember who, mentioned that Charles has 'had his heart broken' written all over him.  
>Secondly, I was listening to a Dutch song on the radio called 'His wooden heart'. It's about a man who decides to replace his golden heart for a wooden one once the first has been stolen and ruined. He cautions future girlfriends to treat this wooden heart carefully, because it won't bend as easily anymore and it isn't worth stealing.<br>These three ingredients together let to 32 drabbles of exactly 100 words each and a backstory for Charles Carson. _

* * *

><p>His memories of his father are sparse. He remembers a tall, distinguished looking man with an impressive moustache. To his nine-year-old self he appears to be a giant. Tall, impressive and dignified. And then there is the memory he so much wants to forget. The stark, dim-lighted room, the narrow bed and the man lying in it, thin and emaciated. His skin greyish and almost translucent. His voice raspy and hoarse. But also the warmth of his mother´s arm around him. The soothing smell of lavender coming from her dress. And her words. ¨Remember him, Charles. Always remember your father.¨<p>

* * *

><p>After school he becomes a hall-boy. He misses his mother and he finds the days at the grand estate long and hard. As he grows older he starts to wonder if there isn´t anything more. More than the house he´s living in, more than Kent, more than the familiar, downtrodden path´s he´s living. His mother tells him he´s a fool and that he should be grateful for his position. It´s one for life if only he´s careful enough. So he returns back to Turnhill after his half day off and commits himself to his work. He won´t disappoint his mother.<p>

* * *

><p>He´s convinced Dorothy Parker is the most beautiful girl in the world. Her hair is white-blonde and sleek. Her cheeks are dimpled and pink. And even if she´s wearing her white bakery apron, he thinks she´s the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. He spends nearly all of his allowance on pastries and pies, anything to see her as often as he can. He can´t think of anything but her. He wants to marry her. They could run a shop together. Even perhaps go and see London. With his nineteen years, he knows exactly what he wants from life.<p>

* * *

><p>They begin courting and he´s never been happier than when she walks on his arm or let him steal kisses from her underneath the Maple Tree. And then one day he finally gathers up his courage and proposes to her. But instead of the eternal bliss he is hoping for, she turns him down with a giggle, not even seriously considering his offer.<br>¨You are so dull, Charles. So serious and hard-working all the time. Surely I should die of boredom. Her words cut right to his heart as he realizes he means nothing to her. Absolutely nothing at all.

* * *

><p>He lays awake until dawn breaks, his heart utterly shattered, unable to comprehend what has happened. To him she'd seemed to be the loveliest thing he had ever laid his eyes on. All of his dreams, all of his wishes had been centred around her for months. And now she has not only rejected him when he´d offered his heart, she had destroyed it. Trampled on it and threw it back in his face.<br>The next morning he picks up the pieces and somehow goes on with his duties, not knowing how it will heal – or if it ever will.

* * *

><p>His heart doesn´t heal, or not properly at least. Instead it becomes hard and uncaring. He is no longer dedicated to his work, but more committed to spending his evenings at the pub whenever he gets the chance. He knows he is disappointing his mother, but he closes his heart against the gentle reproach in her look. One evening in the pub he meets Charles Grigg. Lured by his stories of London, of its diversions and excitements he leaves when the month is out, ready to grab his share of the life he believes he want more than anything now.<p>

* * *

><p>The rooms are shady and dirty, the pay is low and he goes to sleep hungry more times than he cares to admit. Apart from the excitement, he quickly learns that there is a dark, gruesome side to life at the music halls. And Charles Grigg is unreliable at the best of times and a downright fraud on most occasions. But he chooses to ignore it. Instead he climbs on the stage every night to sing and dance and crack one silly joke after the other. He will show her. He will show Dorothy Parker that he is no fool.<p>

* * *

><p>The place smells of beer and the audience are a rowdy crowd that jeers at him as he performs his magic trick. Through the grey cloud of smoke he can hardly see what he´s doing. It occurs to him that there is little point in performing if no-one can see. Finally the show is over and he staggers of the stage. Grigg pulls him to the side and shows the inside of his jacket. The pockets are stuffed with money. ¨At least is was worthwhile,¨ Grigg grins. And finally an emotion makes it all the way to his heart.<p>

Shame.

* * *

><p>He tries go get as far away from Grigg as possible and goes to Yorkshire where he hears of an opening for the position of second footman at Grantham House. He dresses carefully, wishing he owned a neater suit. Still, he can ensure his hands and fingernails are spotless, that his hair is carefully combed back and held in place with a generous amount of brilliantine and his shoes are shining and spotless. He checks his appearance and feels how his heart sinks at the sight that greets him in the mirror. He is right back at where he´d started.<p>

* * *

><p>To his surprise the interview is held with the lady of the house, Lady Violet Crawley. She scrutinizes him throughout the entire conversation and he feels himself shrinking under her gaze.<br>¨But what have you been doing with yourself after you left Turnhill, Mr Carson?¨ she asks impatiently.

¨I´ve been about, milady,¨ he replies uneasy, although he fully expected the question.

¨Were you respectable?¨

His gaze falters and he shakes his head.

¨Were you honest?¨

This time he looks her straight in the eye and nods almost imperceptibly.

She hesitates for a mere second. ¨Very well. You can start immediately.¨

* * *

><p>Although he admits it unwillingly, it´s nice to have structure in his life again. A clean bed to sleep in and a job that is respectable. He finds himself eager to prove himself. He is tall and good looking enough to impress the family and the guests with his performance. He´s catering to a different audience now but in a role that fits him far better. When the first footmen runs off with a maid he is offered his position and he accepts gladly. He shuts his heart once again, vowing to himself that he will never be that stupid.<p>

* * *

><p>He carries her in after she has fallen down hard and has scraped her knee. There is gravel stuck in the wound and he cleans it as gently as he can. Her large, brown eyes shimmer with tears, but she blinks and sets her chin, not winching once.<p>

¨You are very brave, milady,¨ he tells her. ¨A boy would have made more of a fuss.¨

Through her tears she grants him a dazzling smile and worms her way into his heart.

¨Thank you, Carson,¨ she replies with renewed confidence.

From that day on she never calls him ´Mr Carson´ again.

* * *

><p>The new head housemaid quickly becomes popular among the staff and the members of the family. She´s pretty with her sparkling blue eyes and her thick, brown curls. She doesn´t ever giggle, but her full, infectious laughter often fills the servant´s hall. He finds himself slightly unsettled in her presence and it vastly aggravates him. He approves of her hardworking and practical nature, but he keeps his distance from her just the same. He insists on addressing her rather formally as ´Miss Hughes´ even though the other servants snicker behind his back because of it. He will not be distracted.<p>

* * *

><p>He has made an arrangement so that he can save up his half days off. Every three months he uses them to visit his mother in Kent. She lives in a small cottage now and he diligently brings her his wages, ensuring she isn´t short of anything she needs. He knows she´s proud of him. Now. But he also knows that his stupidity has taken its toll on her. And his heart burns with shame when he looks at her. And whenever he kisses her goodbye, he knows that the next three months will seem like an eternity to her.<p>

* * *

><p>His days at the music halls seem so far away now. But his shame grows with every passing year, with every visit to Kent. Becoming as much the opposite of the man h was then nearly becomes an obsession to him. And he never quite manages to shed the feeling that he is nothing more than a common fraud, not a bit better than Grigg was. No-one can ever know, but perhaps if he tries hard enough he can redeem himself somewhat, although he will never find it in his heart to forgive himself for his conduct. Or forget it.<p>

* * *

><p>Mr Jenkins hadn´t come down for breakfast and in the twenty-eight years that he had been butler of Downton he had never once been late. With a heavy heart he ascends the stairs, to his bedroom. He is not surprised to find his already cold body in the bed. At least he didn´t suffer. His surprise comes a few hours later when Lord Grantham summons him to the library and informs him Mr Jenkins had recommend him as his successor should anything happen to him. He enters <em>his <em>pantry late that night and it feels like having a home again.

* * *

><p>Rationally he knows it was bound to happen. She was of advanced age already and during his last visits he had noticed how her health was ailing. He rushes to Kent and is grateful that at least he´s been given the chance be there for her when she closes her eyes for the last time, his hand securely wrapped around hers.<p>

¨So… proud... of you¨ she lisps barely audible and his heart constricts painfully. When she is gone he remains sitting there for another hour, watching the face he´s always held so dear.

¨I´ll remember you,¨ he promises her hoarsely.

* * *

><p>He returns to Downton at midnight and he lets himself in, warily making his way through the dark and deserted servants hall. The ache in his heart is undeniable and he pauses for a moment in the corridor, resting his exhausted body against the wall, realizing that with his mother gone, he is utterly alone in the world now. He hadn´t thought of Dorothy Parker for many years, but now he wishes for the family he could have had if he´d been the man she´d wanted. And as he grimly shakes the image from his head, the loneliness settles in.<p>

* * *

><p>He lights one oil-lamp and sinks down in his armchair. He doesn´t know how long he sits there in the half dark until there´s a knock on the door. He reluctantly calls for enter, but as she comes in, carrying a tray with soup and bread, he smiles for the first time in days.<p>

¨Miss Hughes…¨

¨I thought you could use this.¨ She doesn´t say anything else, but instead lights the other lamps in the room and kindles the fire until the room is warm and comfortable again. After she has left he realizes the room smells faintly of lavender.

* * *

><p>He learns that she grew up on a farm in Argyle and has a sister who she misses terribly. He gets used to her soft singing when she fluffs pillows or dusts chandeliers. He gets used to her gentle teasing. He learns that she can be unbelievably stubborn. He discovers that her organization skills far surpasses those of Mrs Jennings. He knows she´s covering for the older woman when her memory starts to deserts her and she becomes unreliable. When the housekeeper is finally convinced to retire he recommends her to the position. And begins calling her Mrs Hughes now.<p>

* * *

><p>Elsie Hughes is a very caring person, but not in an obvious or sentimental way. So it takes years before he notices the countless little acts of kindness she does. She takes in stray kittens and no beggar ever leaves the house empty-handed. She´s strict, but she watches over her maids like a mother hen would. And she´s there for him as well. There´re sandwiches waiting for him in his pantry after a long dinner service and when he loses a cufflink she gives up her afternoon off to help him look for it. He admires her kind heart greatly.<p>

* * *

><p>It´s that damned accent of her that keeps him up at night. She could read the storeroom inventory to him and he would listen to her completely enthralled. When she´s angry her accent becomes even more profound he thinks it´s almost worth the argument. He only hears her sing in church now, she stopped singing during her work when she became housekeeper. Meanwhile he spends the rest of the sermon trying to keep his thoughts somewhat holy. The way she says ´Mr Carson´ makes his blood boil. But just his blood, he tells himself. Not his heart. Never his heart.<p>

* * *

><p>She´s so unbelievable stubborn that sometimes he could happily strangle her. She never backs down when she thinks she´s right. Instead she looks at him with that defiant look in his eyes, which pushes at the limits of his self-control to no end. Of course, he is equally unbendable, so they clash quite frequently. But somehow they always come around. He hates being at odds with her more than having to apologize. So he brings her tea in the middle of the day as a peace-offering. And when she reaches up to straighten his tie he knows they´re alright again.<p>

* * *

><p>She´s in the kitchen, standing on a stool, reaching for something on the top shelf.<p>

¨What´re you doing?¨ he exclaims worriedly, seeing the stool wobbling dangerously.

She startles and turns around, losing her balance. In one stride he is at her side, catching her in his arms as she slides down against his chest, her face a scant inches away from his. He feels her breath on his lips and inhales her scent. And before he knows what he is doing, he is leaning in.

Until there´s a noise behind them and they leap apart.  
>His heart is safe again.<p>

* * *

><p>A year turns into a decade and before he knows it, he has already spend three of them and a few years more at Downton. As he sits in his pantry at night and gazes at her over the rim of his wineglass he knows that although his life has turned out very differently from the way he had all planned it at the tender age of nineteen he would now, if he was given the chance, not trade it for anything in the world. He belongs right here, at Downton and he resolves to stay here forever. With her.<p>

* * *

><p>When his past comes back to taunt him, he reverts back to being the dishonourable cad he was in his youth. Hiding, sneaking around and snapping at those close around him. Charlie Grigg can break him and they both know it. He will deal with shame in his own way, even if it means he has to violate his own principles. All those weeks he fills dirty and dishonest and he can barely bring himself to even look at her. He shuts her out and pushes her away, with only clear thought in his head: she must never find out.<p>

* * *

><p>Once the truth is out and his shame is revealed he feels like a shell of a man for days. As if he has become smaller, more insignificant. And as grateful as he is for his employer´s leniency, he wonders at the reason. Why aren´t they as appalled by his past as he is? Somehow it makes him feel even more isolated. In the end he turns to her, as he always does when something bothers him. She doesn´t know, at least he´s managed to accomplish that. But without knowing the particulars she sets him straight. Like she always does.<p>

* * *

><p>¨Are you feeling better now, Mr Carson?¨ she asks, after they´ve returned from the ceremony at the hospital. By now he is regretting his vulnerability deeply, so he nods his head vigorously. And he finds he´s drowning in her concerned, blue eyes. There´s no condescending in them and no judgement whatsoever.<br>¨Remember that you´re not a ´sad, old fool´ as you choose to put it,¨ she reminds him firmly. ¨You´re an honest, hardworking man and there´s is nothing foolish about what you do. Remember that!¨  
>He nods and suddenly his heart feels too big and too hard for his chest.<p>

* * *

><p>She never takes the night off, but when she does the whole house falls to pieces. Of course the reason <em>why <em>she is taking the night off bothers him even more. What business does that old suitor of her has to come here and uproot her life like this? But surely he is just here to reminisce, isn´t he? And even if he isn´t, she´s far too dedicated to Downton to even contemplate leaving, won´t she? Her words from a while ago come back to him to mock and terrify him: ¨Do you ever wish you´d gone a different way?¨

* * *

><p>Thomas mentioned that she looked sparkly-eyed upon her return and grudgingly he has to agree with him. She appeared a little dazed, clutching some silly, straw doll and acting thoroughly absent-minded. This old suitor has made her an offer, he knows this without even having to ask it. And his hearts turns and twists inside him, aching with the fear of losing her. He tries to envision life at Downton without her and his insides run cold. For the second time in his life he feels like all his dreams are crumbling around him. And this time he's hurting more.<p>

* * *

><p>"Where would we be if we didn't let life change us?" he tells her later.<p>

But he doesn't tell her how much she has changed his life, with her presence and her kindness. He doesn't tell her that she has healed his heart and restored it to its former value. He doesn't tell her that she makes his days brighter and that he lives for her smiles and for the quiet moments spend together. He doesn't tell her that the thought of growing old together with her fills him with unmentionable happiness. He doesn't tell her any of those things.

* * *

><p>There will be a war and that war will change everything he knows. Nothing will be the same anymore and he feels himself dreading the pending future. He's going to lose the safe, orderly world he has constructed for himself and those around him and there's nothing he can do about it. Yet he has to play the part while he doesn't know the lines or the motions. He'll have to perform once more while the stage is dark and he won't be able to see what he's doing while everything is at stake. While he is so very afraid.<p>

* * *

><p>She finds him in the library at night, standing in front of a window, staring at the thunderstorm outside and comes to stand next to him. She doesn't say anything, but is so close that they're almost touching. The war will change everything he knows and it's starting now. His arm slips around her waist and he pulls her close. He needs her. He needs more of her now. She rests her head on his shoulder and lays her hand over his chest, covering his heart. Which from that moment on is no longer his. But beats only for her.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Please let me know what you think.<strong>


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